Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Sunday, December 26, 2004


'Twas the Day After Christmas

The most depressing day of the year? Today. All of the wonderful anticipation you have building up to Christmas Day is gone. The presents are open and you're left with just the wrapping paper. After a day and a half of eating nonstop, you've consumed the really good food, leaving you with a small dish of the green beans, the now thrice-heated dark meat from the turkey and a whole tin of fig squares, having finished off the last frosted Santa in the cookie jar last night right before bed. Plus, the holiday magic is swiftly draining from the air, but we've still got months and months of winter weather ahead of us.

What, then, to do? The folks at the Hairshirt Institute for Psychiatric Studies have spent the last five years doing in-depth clinical research into this very problem. The research ended in December of 2003 and, since then, dedicated H.I.P.S. scientists have been crunching the numbers and analyzing their findings. As their paper was rejected by every major medical journal, including the New England Journal of Medicine and the DOCS Clinic Newsletter, we present their suggestions here. According to our team the best ways to fight the effects of post-holiday depression are...
  • Just sleep all the time.
  • Hire somebody to dress as Santa year-round, to fool yourself into thinking that the holidays just never end.
  • Focus on how great the country's going to be now that George W. has himself a second term and a majority in Congress.
  • If you're a man, wear women's panties. If you're a woman, wear no panties. Neither of these will really help the depression, but at least you'll feel naughty.
  • Aversion therapy. Every time you think an unhappy thought, hit yourself in the nuts with a ballpeen hammer.
  • Get a frontal lobotomy or become born again. Same difference.
  • Double up on your meds.
  • Buy a puppy and trade it in for a new puppy every week until spring.
  • Binge more often than you purge.
  • Become rich (or at the very least, take to wearing a monocle and top hat everywhere you go, even to the bathroom).
  • Remind yourself every morning that at least you're not in a relationship with Ben Affleck. (Not effective if you're Jennifer Garner.)
  • Masturbate one or two extra times per day.
  • Give hugs to strangers on the sidewalk. If you spread more love around, the world will be covered in love.
  • Get stoned, stay stoned.

Remember, you're only as completely fucking miserable as you let yourself be.

Wait till New Year's and you can make these your resolutions. Fun times.
you know, I tried the whole give hugs to strangers thing, and strangely enough I ended up with 5 indecent proposals, 2 "who the f*&# do you think you are FREAK"s, 8 threats of violence, and one police warning.

Apparently they only give you one.
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