So the American team playing in the World Baseball Classic, a 16-game tournament meant to foster a love of baseball and Yankee hats in countries around the world, got their asses kicked by the Canadian team. The American team is loaded with such marquee names as Johnny Damon, Roger Clemens, Jason Varitek and Derek "Mr. Fancy-Pants" Jeter. With that kind of talent--and given the fact that we invented the fucking game--many people assumed that the Americans could win with their bloated salaries tied behind their backs.
So what happened? How could such a sure thing go so horribly awry? The theories abound:
Canadian pitcher Adam Loewen used his patented "maple syrup ball", in which he secretly pours a little bit of maple syrup on the ball. The strategy is illegal in international play.
Third baseman Alex Rodriguez blew several plays because he was busy masturbating to his own picture.
American players were completely rattled by Canadians repeated sing-song chanting of "You guys are hosers!"
U.S. team thwarted by the "Curse of Celine Dion".
MLB veterans were too upset by the poor quality of the Steak au Poivre from their hotel's room service to play at full strength.
The Canadian team was loaded with super-rugged lumberjack-types.
Other countries' teams enhanced their performance with steroids, which American players are too morally upstanding to even consider.
American team torn asunder by raging argument over who would win that evening's Project Runway finale.
The Canadians dispatched funnyman Tom Green to distract the Americans with his hilarious antics.
The American team is made up of a bunch of overpaid prima donna jaggoffs who consider a tournament like this to be too far beneath them to put forth much effort.
Hmm. That last one sounds fairly plausible, don't you think?