Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Aries: Advice to the teenage Aries attending Prom-- Memories of this night will be something you treasure forever, so don't ruin the night by doing something irresponsible, like dumping a bucket of pig blood on the shy chick with telekinesis. Seriously, just don't do it.
Taurus: Your wildest dreams have come true as Xanadu finally opens in previews on Broadway! Now we are here!
Gemini: A minor injury could be headed your way this week, Gemini. This could be a paper cut or a slight amputation. The stars are a little cloudy right now, so just watch yourself around slicey things.
Cancer: Kielbasa? No! Bratwurst? Si!
Leo: The weather is so nice and everything in your world is so genuinely pleasant that even the voices in your head are singing a happy tune instead of urging you to feast on the flesh of those who cross you. Enjoy!
Virgo: You're thanking your lucky stars that the summer movie season is finally in full swing, allowing you to bask in the glory of Delta Farce.
Libra: What's that? You're looking for a new pick-up line? Try this on for size: "Whoa! Nice saddlebags, there, hoss!" Guaranteed to get you so much play.
Scorpio: Your library card is about to expire. Kind of freaky how I can tell that without even seeing you, isn't it?
Sagittarius: The Rosie/Elizabeth feud has shaken you so very deeply that you're not sure if you can ever trust the world again. Do everyone a favor and just lapse into a coma right now.
Capricorn: Try your hand at artistic endeavours this week, Capricorn. If only to give everyone around you something to laugh at.
Aquarius: This week, you would be wise to heed the advice of the ancient Chinese proverb, "A man who seeks to hit another with a turd hurled from a slingshot winds up with shitty hands." Okay, it's no "Kill one to warn a hundred", but it has its uses.
Pisces: Try to take other people's feelings into consideration. For example, you probably shouldn't point and laugh at burn victims.
Oh. My. God.
All of my Xanadu dreams are coming true.
Finally, sweet baby jeebus you have answered my prayers and accepted my offer of a sacrificial virgin monkey.
Thank you, god of horrific theater.
Damn, Joe. You're right on with Sagittarius this week. My mom is a Sagittarius and holy crap is she having a hard time with the Rosie situation. A coma would be good for not only her, but everyone around her. Especially me.Post a Comment