HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, May 30, 2007Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: Advice to the teenage Aries attending Prom-- Memories of this night will be something you treasure forever, so don't ruin the night by doing something irresponsible, like dumping a bucket of pig blood on the shy chick with telekinesis. Seriously, just don't do it.
Taurus: Your wildest dreams have come true as Xanadu finally opens in previews on Broadway! Now we are here! Gemini: A minor injury could be headed your way this week, Gemini. This could be a paper cut or a slight amputation. The stars are a little cloudy right now, so just watch yourself around slicey things. Cancer: Kielbasa? No! Bratwurst? Si! Leo: The weather is so nice and everything in your world is so genuinely pleasant that even the voices in your head are singing a happy tune instead of urging you to feast on the flesh of those who cross you. Enjoy! Virgo: You're thanking your lucky stars that the summer movie season is finally in full swing, allowing you to bask in the glory of Delta Farce. Libra: What's that? You're looking for a new pick-up line? Try this on for size: "Whoa! Nice saddlebags, there, hoss!" Guaranteed to get you so much play. Scorpio: Your library card is about to expire. Kind of freaky how I can tell that without even seeing you, isn't it? Sagittarius: The Rosie/Elizabeth feud has shaken you so very deeply that you're not sure if you can ever trust the world again. Do everyone a favor and just lapse into a coma right now. Capricorn: Try your hand at artistic endeavours this week, Capricorn. If only to give everyone around you something to laugh at. Aquarius: This week, you would be wise to heed the advice of the ancient Chinese proverb, "A man who seeks to hit another with a turd hurled from a slingshot winds up with shitty hands." Okay, it's no "Kill one to warn a hundred", but it has its uses. Pisces: Try to take other people's feelings into consideration. For example, you probably shouldn't point and laugh at burn victims.
Comments:
Oh. My. God.
All of my Xanadu dreams are coming true. Finally, sweet baby jeebus you have answered my prayers and accepted my offer of a sacrificial virgin monkey. Thank you, god of horrific theater.
Damn, Joe. You're right on with Sagittarius this week. My mom is a Sagittarius and holy crap is she having a hard time with the Rosie situation. A coma would be good for not only her, but everyone around her. Especially me.
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