Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, May 22, 2007


It's What's Upfront That Counts

While I was on the couch this weekend, I caught up on all the news that came out of last week's upfronts. For anyone not lucky enough to be in the business like myself--I did a commercial when I was 15, so...I think I know what I'm talking about--upfronts are when networks trot out their fall line-ups like blush-smeared whores at a cathouse so advertisers can decide who they want to get into bed with. (Like how I carried that metaphor all the way through? I'm good like that.)

And man was I disappointed. This is the best they can do? I mean, yeah, I'm totally into the idea of a sitcom based on the Geico cavemen commercials. I've been saying they should do that for a year. But some of this other stuff... What were they thinking? The Bionic Woman? No offense, but Lindsay Wagner's like seventy or something. How do they expect her to do all those stunts? Pushing Daisies? Do they actually expect anyone to tune in for a drama about a florist? Let me tell you, folks, it ain't that complicated. You throw some baby's breath in a vase with a few mini-carnations and you're done. I just don't see where they're gonna get their season-ending cliffhanger out of that.

So, after seeing all the utter shit the network brass came up with, I thought I'd do them a solid and offer to bail them out. I've got five ideas here. Five solid gold, can't-fucking-miss ideas. And I'm willing to give--give--them to any network that wants them. In return for a hundred thousand dollars. This is a steal, especially for networks that currently suck thirty-one flavors of ass. (I'm looking at you, FOX!)
  • Dolphie and the Jews--Here we have a hilarious sitcom that also teaches us important lessons about tolerance and second chances. When an embryo cloned from Hitler is accidentally implanted in the womb of a nice Jewish gal from Brooklyn, can hilarity be far behind? Watch what happens when lil' Dolphie starts plotting the death of all his classmates at Hebrew school! It's like Schindler's List meets Diff'rent Strokes!
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: the Series--These movies have been such a big, big hit because they capture that special something the public loves so much: computer graphics. The good news is that the TV version will feature those same awesome graphics. The even better news is that we don't have to put up with that pretentious Johnny Depp. Instead, meet Jack Sparrow's younger brother, Tim Sparrow, played by David Spade!
  • Also Heroes--NBC took a step in the right direction when they announced their little mini-series Heroes: Origins, which is designed to be kind of like Heroes, but without all the characters and plot. It gives us a little bit more of what we like, but different. I think they need to take it a whole lot further, which is why my Also Heroes works as sort of the CSI:NY of the franchise. Instead of focusing on the super-powered folks, Also Heroes takes a look at those who can't do anything special, but like wearing capes and masks. And they go around and taunt litterers and stuff.
  • Plants--This is the next generation of reality TV. Instead of having to manufacture a bunch of interpersonal drama, like Work Out or the Nightly News, this is just twenty-two weeks of filming plants as they grow. And the great thing is, there's just unlimited potential here. One season, you can feature ragweed, the next season stars an acre of corn.
  • Mr. Roboto--I've saved my favorite for last. This is a series I've been praying they'd make for the last twenty-plus years. It is nothing less than an episodic television version of the Styx classic. My God, this is good. Who wouldn't tune in, week after week to see how long Kilroy can outwit his despotic robot masters? You think Battlestar Galactica does a bang-up job working social commentary into a sci-fi plot? Just you wait.
So I'll be waiting, networks. You can call me any time. I'm going to save network television, one brilliant show at a time.

Hey, just wanted to mention that they used new music in my BodyPump class today, and when the opening strains to "The Final Countdown" came on, I thought of you and smiled.
I would actually watch that last one.
I've been dying or "Mr. Roboto" all these years. I would watch this.
Or at least wait until it was on DVD & Netflix it.

How is a Hitler sitcom NOT funny? Huh?
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