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Tuesday, July 17, 2007


My God, Those Hallows Are Deathly!

I've mentioned before what a fan I am of the Harry Potter series. What I didn't mention is that my cousin Bjorn works for Scholastic, the company that publishes the American editions of the popular series. Now, it so happens that I attended Bjorn's bachelor party last month and was witness to several acts of indiscretion on Bjorn's part involving prostitutes, egg yolks and a trained seal. In exchange for my continued silence about these acts in front of Bjorn's new wife, he agreed to steal for me a copy of the manuscript of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. He accomplished this mission this past Friday, losing a testicle in the process. I won't go into details about this mishap, but I would like to offer further apologies to Bjorn's wife.

Anyway, thanks to Bjorn's selflessness--and my skills as a blackmailer--I have just finished reading all 784 pages. And let me say, I was not disappointed. I know the rest of the country is chomping at the bit for all the juicy details, so here are just a handful of the surprises contained within the concluding novel in the series:
  • Dumbledore not really dead, but rather being held in a secret CIA prison somewhere in Uzbekistan.
  • Voldemort turns up at a diner in New Jersey; kills Tony Soprano.
  • Ron knocks Hermione up; desperately tries to get his hands on the Time Turner for some strategic retroactive coitus interruptus.
  • Harry learns exciting new spell, "Hypeabooktadeath!" which....well you can probably figure that one out.
  • Voldemort is behind hideous London 2012 Olympic logo.
  • In what appears to be an effort for a more realistic portrayal of high school seniors, Book 7 includes much more binge drinking.
  • Jessica Alba's ass is a horcrux.
  • Horrifying scene in which Draco Malfoy is gang-raped by a group of pissed-off House Elves.
  • Voldemort is Dick Cheney's twin brother.
  • The question of whether or not Snape is truly evil is settled for once and all as he tortures Harry by making him sit through three consecutive showings of Transformers.
  • Harry's parents aren't actually dead. In fact his father had a sex change and now goes by the name Victoria Beckham.
  • Voldemort was behind the cancellation of Arrested Development.
  • Harry doesn't die in the end, but he does severely stub his toe. Like, to the point of breaking off a toenail and everything.

I've never read any of them, but this one sounds right up my alley.
When I get caught stealing my own copy, I'll blame you.
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