Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Aries: It's time to take some control over yourself, Aries. You really need to fight that almost overwhelming urge to wear a big furry hat. I mean, you look like fucking Genghis Khan in that thing.
Taurus: Nauseous Taureans might want to mix things up a little by blending a handful of Tums into a milkshake.
Gemini: Remember the old saying, Gemini: If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. Or some dude in a duck costume. Like Elton John or someone.
Cancer: It's not as sexy as you think to cover yourself in cheese and pepperoni, climb into a flat cardboard box and have yourself delivered to your lover.
Leo: You're somewhat disconcerted to discover this week that Manny Ramirez has been traded to you for your spouse and a player to be named later.
Virgo: Clumps of grass clippings glued to one's face does not actually look like a beard. Just so you're aware, Virgo.
Libra: There's a lot of poop in your immediate future. Sorry the stars aren't more specific about the source and/or location of said poop.
Scorpio: You're plagued by chronic lateness this week, Scorpio. So late, in fact, that your horoscope didn't even show up until 10:30 on Thursday. Sad.
Sagittarius: Your lover gives you an adorable pet name: "Dumb-Fuck."
Capricorn: You are absolutely correct in your feeling that anyone who can't spell "respect" is either stupid or lost their ears in a bizarre lathe accident sometime before the invention of radio.
Aquarius: Things may not be what they seem, Aquarius. Unless they seem shitty, in which case your perceptions are probably spot on.
Pisces: When recovering from a tragedy, it's important to keep in mind that talking to someone attractive while you've got a boog hanging from your nostril isn't really all that fucking tragic. A little perspective for you, Pisces.