Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Curses! Foiled Again!

Man, my wife and I are growing desperate. Before the kid was born--a miraculous event, for which we are both overwhelmingly grateful--we were giant movie-goers. We saw movies all the goddamn time. If we couldn't afford a movie in a given week, we'd seek out free advanced screenings. We love movies.

Thanks to the baby--who we love unreservedly--we haven't seen a movie in four months. Every week for the last ten weeks or so, my wife has suggested that we just bite the bullet and go see a flick. "If he starts crying, I'll just feed him right there," she says. "We can go see an early show with a tiny audience of mostly drunks and hard-of-hearing retirees," she pleads.

Well I'm not heartless. I like to let my lady have her way now and again to make her feel like she's got some power in the relationship. So I've put some effort into this whole movie thing.

We tried, in fact, to go see Slumdog Millionaire back before Christmas when my sister-in-law was here and we could leave the kid with her. And, of course, during the holiday movie-going season, the fucking thing was sold out long before we stumbled onto the line.

Since then, one thing or another has prevented us from getting into a multiplex.

Today, though, we had it all planned out. Middle of the week, nobody's going to be there. First show of the day, discount show so we can walk out if he goes apeshit and we won't have dropped the full $11.00 (which isn't, I realize, going to break the bank, but still...). The Village Voice says there's a 10:25 showing of Milk at the Times Square AMC, so we strap the baby to my chest and hustle on down there, arriving just a minute or two late.

And the goddamn doors are locked. What in the name of Mickey Rooney's ball sac is going on here, I wonder? The first show listed on their marquee is 1:25. There's all kinds of other people standing around outside, so I know I'm not insane. My wife starts trying to get on the Voice website on her cell, but crappy reception or a crappy phone--I'm not sure which--won't let her on and we eventually just decide that I made some kind of idiotic mistake.

We trudge uptown and make it to the Lincoln Plaza Theaters (sub-art house, supra-multiplex) in time for the noonish showing of the same movie. Should we do it? Has the baby reached his breaking point of being out and about? Will my back survive the experience? We zip over to the nearby WaMu, as the Lincoln Plaza doesn't accept debit cards. We hurry back to the ticket window and I say, "Two for Milk, please."

At which point, the lady in the booth says, "Yeah, I don't think they'll let you in with the baby." I was irate. "You filthy whore!" I cried and beat at the glass until my fists bled. Or maybe we just walked away depressed, I don't honestly remember. The woman did suggest that we try the Lincoln Square 13 uptown, where they're playing My Bloody Valentine and Paul Blart: Mall Cop, which, sadly, I've already seen.

And so, my wife and I are going into this weekend's Oscars having seen none of the Best Picture nominees. I know that we'll get back to the movies eventually. We just may have to sneak the baby into the theater in a gym bag.

I have one word of advice - Netflix. For $9.99 a month, I get as many movies, one at a time, as I want, so I can watch at least 4 or 5 monvies in a good month. Saves a ton of money and I don't have to put up with people coughing, sneezing, rattling paper, answering cell phones,texting,talking,making out, children running up and down the aisles and babies screaming (no offense).
Look for showings of Reel Moms at Lowes if you have them. They are for caregivers and babies and toddlers. No need to leave if he cries.

Betty--Yeah, we have Netflix, but it's just not as satisfying.

Marcea-- There is a place that does Reel Moms around here and we're going to seek it out, but I'm just scared it's going to be showing crap like He's Just Not That Into You or other shit I don't ever want to see.
Well, that just sucks. I agree with the gym bag solution. Maybe if you are carrying a bag of microwave popcorn , you can create a distraction.

I nursed anywhere and everywhere.
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