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Thursday, April 20, 2006


One Last Word About How Absolutely Fucking Crazy Tom Cruise Is

Anyone who's read Hairshirt over the last few months may already be aware that I've got some issues with Tom Cruise. It's not just the fact that he took a seemingly sweet--if only moderately talented--actress and turned her into a shambling, smiling zombie down whose throat he sticks his tongue in public so that he doesn't seem as gay. It's not just the fact that he made every aspect of her pregnancy so very public, stopping just short, really, of conducting public tours of her uterus. It's not just his stumping for Scientology, a religion so patently fucking ridiculous that it makes Mormons' beliefs look plausible. It's not even the fact that he now seems to see himself not so much as an actor, but as a god.

A wrathful god. An interview with a reporter for a Swedish publication turned smugly (smug + ugly, people; it's the next big catch phrase) when the reporter cited experts who say that dyslexia can't be cured by Scientology.

There was an awkward pause, then Cruise burst into laughter. "“I'’m going to, in any case, admit that you have the courage of a madman,"” according to our translator. "“This is something no journalist has dared say to me face-to-face. . . .Scientology is a religion without divinity. Its teaching is a spiritual liberation from life'’s problems that can only be reached through advice, courses and deep studies. Your cynical media colleagues cast doubt over all the good that we do by spreading a bunch of hocus pocus about us."”

Doesn't this sound a lot like dialogue that Ming the Merciless might say to Flash Gordon? The man gets paid to run around and pretend to shoot people. And somehow he thinks this means that nobody can question his bullshit to his face? Who does he think he is, George Bush?

Anyway, it's not even his colossally bloated fucking sense of importance that bugs me so much about Tom Christ. It's the fact that we all feed into it. I shouldn't pay any attention to this assmunch. But I do.

I guess I could blame the media. They shove these plastic dipshits down our throats. I went to the grocery store last week and saw, literally, two brand new magazines doing exactly what US and In Touch do. They were called, I think, Celebrity Living and Distractions from Your Pathetic Fucking Life. But it's not only the tabloids. And it's not only the local television news, which I don't watch anymore unless I find myself really curious about how a deli on 72nd St. got away with using tainted mayonnaise in its potato salad until the crusading Shame Squad put a stop to it. Almost all media gives this same level of coverage to celebrity bullshit. And it doesn't help that CBS has elevated someone as vapid as Katie Couric to the anchor chair. Pretty soon Face the Nation is going to have Bob Schieffer doing segments in which he makes homemade ravioli with Senators.

I can't blame the media entirely, though. If people didn't buy magazines like People and Star or watch shows like Access Hollywood and ABC Nightly News, then the media would stop producing them. So it's not entirely their fault. It's ours. And it's been the same from Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks through Taylor and Burton through Brangelina. It's been happening from Fatty Arbuckle through Bob Crane through Michael Jackson.

We love to celebrate people who've done, when you think about it, nothing really all that great. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey did nothing more than sing shitty pop songs and fart while looking good. And yet, at the height of their popularity, the nation paid them so much attention that you'd have thought they had healed lepers or figured out a cure for cellulite. We love celebrities. We love even more when they fuck up and fuck up huge. When they do, we're right there with our pitchforks and torches, ready to tear them apart and eat them. We are cannibals.

Which maybe explains why that sick fuck Tom Cruise was considering eating his baby's placenta.

A couple nights ago on the local 10:00 news the coverage of the birth, naming, meaning of the name, etc. of Tom Cruise's baby was more extensive than the coverage of Iraq, Iran, and former Gov. George Ryan's conviction combined.

Who cares? We do, apparently...
AM I insane? Well, if you're going to believe everything Joe spoon-feeds you, I must be. If it weren't true, you argue, why else would there be a website called:
Tom Cruise is Nuts DOT COM?

Despite your misguided-ness, Mr. Whack, I wish you peace and the hope that you may live up to your (limited) personal potential.

I must go now, as I'm late for my appointment to have vibrating glass rods simultaneously inserted into my urethra and rectum--you know, for the elixydas.
Who is Katie Holmes?
Was Tom Cruise always this weird? All I know is that on a recent interview which I watched a part of, he totally seemed to be lying about his relationship with Katie Holmes, who used to a be a good midwestern Ohio girl. I'm not sure if she has gone as crazy because she is not as vocal. If she hasn't become like Tom, I'm guessing she would want out of the relationship. But then, as others say, this could all be one big publicity stunt.
Tom who?
I've had a theory about this for ages, and it's so obvious, you'll all slap yourselves in the forehard when you hear it. Tom Cruise is the antichrist, and through some weird fucking mind control, he has implanted Katie with the preserved DNA of L. Ron Hubbard. Suri is the spawn of Satan. The only thing that doesn't jibe is that she's a girl. If you believe the Bible, it apparently makes a difference.

What that report of the interview didn't explain was that after the interviewer dared to question Tom Cruise to his face, Tom unhinged his already-enormous jaw and swallowed the interviewer whole, slowly letting his intestine's juices break down the interviewer's body over the course of about 35 hours.

That's why he didn't eat Katie's placenta. He was already full.
He actually sued a local entertainment rag I used to cartoon for last summer because they wrote a satirical article about his 'gayness.'

That other freak Mel Gibson chafes me more... but I don't expend much energy on those assholes. I take them, their films and their phoney-ass religions with a grain of salt... (Except Mad Max. That shit was raw.)

Katie is now a closet Catholic. The fun is just beginning.
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