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Tuesday, July 18, 2006


Feelin' Hot, Hot, Hot

It's fucking hot in New York right now. Highs are in the upper 90s with humidity that makes it feel like 104. This means I'm having the usual problems (nasty smells, personal comfort issues, etc.) that accompany this weather. So I went to a site the National Institutes of Health has set up to give the public tips on how to stay cool during the current heat wave. They had a number of really helpful suggestions, including:
  • Keep your testicles in the freezer when not using them.
  • Fool your body into thinking it's cooler than it is by wearing extra clothing, like a black cardigan sweater.
  • Don't thaw out meat or vegetables before eating them.
  • Hire an out of work actor to pop up from behind your furniture at regular intervals to exclaim, "Wow, it's cold!"
  • Stick an oscillating fan in your underwear.
  • Avoid lying down naked on pavement.
  • If you must exercise, keep it to lacrosse or other wussy sports.
  • Drink plenty of liquids, unless those liquids are boiling.
  • Get out of the city and spend time in one of your four vacation homes instead.
  • Avoid setting yourself on fire, unless absolutely necessary.
After reading all these great ideas, I plan on having a safe, cool summer. Thanks, NIH!

Watching Dr. Zhivago helps.
Try holding your wrists under the faucet and turning on the cold water. This one actually does help.
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